What is the difference between dobbing and telling someone about something that concerns you? As an adult, I can tell the difference and I have the confidence to speak up, but do our children know the difference? Do they have the confidence to speak up?
There is an ingrained negative feel to the term dobbing. Kids tell each other, don’t be a dibber dobber, dobbers wear nappies. I hear adults questioning children “Are you dobbing?” Why is it, when a child is reporting something that is essentially wrong, they are given a hard time? Of course there are the times when they may be stirring a situation or being malicious, but as the adults, isn’t it our responsibility to teach them the difference? It is a sad reflection when our children witness something that concerns them, that they know is wrong, that they have to decide whether or not to tell, knowing that they may be put down or suffer consequences for speaking out. The media and now social sites have a great deal to answer for in distorting the truth, hiding behind screens and criticising others for speaking out.
As adults and parents we need to constantly reassure our children that speaking up is the right thing to do, especially when they are concerned, worried or need to talk about a situation and ask for help. If I don’t know about it, how can I help? It’s also important to instill in our children that if they know about something and chose not to speak or act – then they can expect to get in some sort of trouble.
We have been asked whether our anti-bullying stance would encourage students to be more devious at hiding what is truly going on. Honestly, we are battling a greater culture that does not provide an element of safety when it comes to speaking out. There is an unspoken and agreed Code of Silence. We are too scared to speak out at college, at work, in social situations or at the local sports ground for fear of the repurcussions. I have always been someone who speaks out. It has not won me any popularity votes and sometimes it’s made situations uncomfortable but I cannot stand back and say nothing. It prays on my mind and I can’t sleep at night.
What I hear a lot is, well at my old college this and at my old college that. I tell students, you came to us to be part of a new college culture, do you want to bring all that stuff with you, or do you want to help us create something different? Do you want to be safe? Do you want to be happy? What can we do to support you in making this happen? How can I help you if I don’t know what is going on? If I know, I can do something about it. And I will.
As a parent I am beginning to experience elements of my child not telling me everything. He is beginning to learn the rules of the Code of Silence. This concerns me. What can I do to ensure he feels safe to tell me? I am learning to listen more and just let him speak. I am not flippant about anything he says, if it is important to him, then it is important to me. But what works this month, may not work next month. The message I want my son to get is that it is OK to tell someone your concerns and if that person doesn’t hear you, go to the next person until you find someone who does hear you and does help you.
This is not a new concept. History is full of brave people who stood up and spoke out, ignoring the risk of backlash. My message to students is that if you feel strongly about something and inside you know it’s not right, tell someone. If nothing is done, tell someone else – keep talking until someone listens. It is time to break the Code of Silence and the only way we can do that is together.
Well said Laura.
Now change the words in this passage to read country, instead of college:
“What I hear a lot is, well at my old college this and at my old college that. I tell students, you came to us to be part of a new college culture, do you want to bring all that stuff with you, or do you want to help us create something different? Do you want to be safe? Do you want to be happy? What can we do to support you in making this happen? How can I help you if I don’t know what is going on? If I know, I can do something about it.”
It is the same when migrants bring their ‘old world’ issues with them and then wonder why we can’t help them. I hope the children are taught this as well. Bullying comes in many forms and in many languages.
One thing I have noticed is that the kids don’t really understand the importance of being a part of IFS as yet. They are just going through the motions without understanding that they are the FIRST pupils of this college and have a great responsibility in ensuring the success of the college for the future. They are the ‘leaders’ and ‘poster kids’ of this wonderful organisation.
Ask them, “what would you say to the kids when you attend the college’s 25 anniversary, and you say you were the first student to attend here?” I would love to know their answer.
Thank you Laura for pointing this out to us all. You are a fantastic principal and I’m so thankful my son is guided by you and your staff at IFS.
You made me stop and think of my own practises as a teacher. I often say “are you dobbing?”. I think it’s easier to dismiss the situation because as an adult the things kids “dob” on don’t effect me like it does them. I forget I have developed resilience to deal with people looking at me the wrong way or loosing a pencil.
I will ensure as a parent and teacher that I start to teach resilience more explicitly to my son and students.
Have you checked out The Resilience Doughnut?
http://www.theresiliencedoughnut.com.au/
Well said Laura, It’s as ingrained in Australian culture as “she’ll be right mate” and I’ve seen it a lot among friends interactions with their children. You should never call your child a dobber or dismiss their concerns. Who will they turn to during their teenage years when their issues have real impact.
I had a friend say to his son” Dont be a dobber”, he then turned to me and said” You gotta let em sought it out for themselves don’t ya reckon?”. I had to say “No mate, teaching them how is your job”.
First of all thank you for meeting with us last week. Mason is all the more determind that this is what he wants to do and has promised to start practicing asking for help ath college this week.
Secondly, as you suggested I have just read your blog, and found it reasurring that the bullying he has suffered at his college will not be tollerated at your college.
Some very wise words indeed.
I also have to agree with Brett and say that unless we listen to our childrens concerns now who will they turn to later?